restless heart.

The year is ending in a few short days and I feel on the precipice of the unknown.  I have no clue what the new year will hold.  I don't have any big plans, but I'm in the mood for change.  What kind of change, I'm not sure, but I'm restless.  I have some goals for 2014, some big, most relatively small.  Aimless restlessness is an obnoxious sort.  I would prefer restlessness with a clear aim in sight, rather than a general feeling with not much direction.  I think this time of year precipitates this kind of aimless restlessness, though, so I'm not to distressed about it.  The new year, with all its talk of resolutions and recollecting the successes and achievements of the past year makes for a prime environment for restlessness.  
While restlessness is accompanied with stomach knots and uneasiness, I am glad for it in some ways.  Usually when I feel restless I have a strong urge to simplify life.  To purge all the unnecessary clutter and get down to what really matters.  I suppose that is all in an effort to find some clarity.  To weed out all the excess voices, all the dust accumulating in the corners of one's mind and surroundings, and to seek out the still, small voice of truth.

 

dress/marshalls :: shirt/courtesy of ruche :: tights/fred meyer :: boots/courtesy of blowfish hat + bracelet/courtesy of lulu's :: necklaces/courtesy of adorn by sarah lewis photos by Dan
In 2014 I want to go on a kind of proverbial soul seeking journey.  I don't really need to physically go anywhere, it's more of an inward journey towards finding why I matter.  I've always had trouble extricating my job or career from who I am as a person.  I want, maybe need, the two to align, which is one reason I've never pulled the trigger on opening a retail shop, even though I've thought it would be fun and something I might actually enjoy.  I just don't feel like I'd find fulfillment when it came to the fact that I was simply one more shop where people buy things, spend money on stuff that they probably don't really need all that much, and contribute to the wastefulness of American culture.  I suppose that sounds overly dramatic, but it's my thought process when I think about opening a retail shop.  I go through various similar thought processes when I think about different career moves, or just personal decisions and goals.  I will fully admit to probably over-thinking things.  So it goes. 
Anyways, soul seeking journeys.  I've always felt led by Frederick Buechner's quote, "Your vocation is where your greatest passion meets the world's greatest need" but have never really found where that intersection meets.  It could be due to having too many passions and not feeling like I have enough energy to do all of them.  Another relevant quote? "You can do anything, but not everything." (David Allen).  I've always wished I could live many lives, picking a different career or vocation for each, rather than being stuck living one life and being forced to pick which things I want to do during my time on Earth, and which ones I have to let go of.  At the same time, I know that I have (hopefully) many years ahead of me, and I don't need to do just one thing my whole life.  I can reinvent my life, my goals, my career, at any point throughout my life.  There's a lot of pressure on 20-somethings to have everything figured out, have a career, a spouse, etc, but it's important to realize that that's not entirely realistic all the time, and self worth isn't dependent on whether or not I'm working toward becoming a CEO, or getting my Ph.D., or becoming a mother.  I have plenty of time to do those things.  Maybe all of them, maybe none, or maybe other things I haven't even thought of yet.