candid thoughts on having kids

So.  Kids.  Since I'm, like, a married woman now it's kind of what people expect from us next.  Usually people don't bother asking, because I think I'm relatively obvious about my desire to not yet broach that subject with my uterus, but occasionally the, "so when are you guys having kids?" question gets asked. Lately I've been thinking about the nature of my apprehension towards that whole kid thing.  I've realized that I'm not worried about the carrying/birthing of said child.  I trust that my body is pretty much designed to do such a thing and despite the prospect of extreme pain and possible complications during birth or prior or post, the physical aspect of babymaking doesn't phase me much (yet).  The part that is freaky? Where they hand a tiny human to you and say, "Here's your human. You made it, now keep it alive and don't fuck it up!" and then slap you on the ass and send you home with a couple pamphlets.

Okay, I know I'll have 9 months to read things and get used to the idea.  But it's still weird, is it not?  Like... you can just manifest a human being with some pretty rudimentary biological mechanics.  And then it's your job to a) keep that human alive, and if you succeed at that, then b) try as best you can to get it through 18 years with as little psychological and physical damage.  I don't doubt my ability to be a halfway decent parent, but you have to admit, it's kind of daunting looking at it from the pre-parenthood side of things.  I never had a younger sibling who I "parented."  I can barely even remember either of my younger brothers' years as infants, even though I was about 8 when my youngest brother was born.  I don't like babies, don't want to hold them, and have no interest in baby sitting, so my practical experience with kids is rather limited.


In a lot of ways, this is a big reason I want to get a puppy, rather than rescue an older dog.  While I love the idea of rescuing a dog, and want to support that wholeheartedly, part of my desire to have a dog is to learn to take care of a living creature from infancy(ish).  To train and be a mother to a baby dog before I have to do it with a person.  I know it's not the same, not even close, but it's a step.  And while I don't need that step, I want it.

I'm excited to make a person though.  I'm a lot more excited about having a 3-4 year old tiny human than an infant.  I love hearing stories about kids like Harper and Jacob and Rowan, who are developing interests and personalities, saying hilarious thing, and being silly little people.  I'm sure when I have a headstrong 3 year old who is a total brat, I'll long for the days when it would just lay around and look at the world with big eyes.  I think about how great it is to be friends with my mom, and I long to have that relationship with a child in some 30 years.  Life is so indescribably enriched through having children in a way I don't believe can be replaced with anything else, and I look forward to that.  I'm not entirely sure a human can experience their full capacity for love, joy, and pain, without having become a parent.  It's a scary thing.  Probably the most vulnerable thing you can do.  I don't know if I'm ready for it yet, but at the same time, I don't know if anyone ever really is.  I mean, you can probably think you are, but things almost never go according to plan, and life has a tendency to throw you in the deep end when you're still learning to dog paddle.  At least we have wine.