sad things and pictures.

Sigh.  I feel like it will never end.

This jury is finally done, then I have to print a big edition tomorrow, then I have to make a whole magazine, then I have to make so many more paper dresses, then I have to make more paintings, then I have to make another print, then I have to graduate.  Spread too thin could describe my feelings right now.  

I don't even want to go on my trip after graduation right now.  It just feels like one more thing I have to do.  I just want to sit back and relax for a while.  Go to work, come home and not have a thousand things hanging over my head.  I could go ride my bike anywhere for as long as I wanted in the evening sun.  

I just want to be a person I like.  I just want to be something that I am not right now.  Not that I don't like me, I just feel so oppressed by circumstances.  I want to be more carefree.  I have no friends, I sit at home painting in my room, I have no money to do anything, not like I'd have the time even if I had any money.  I want to ride my bike for hours to the woods where I would walk for hours, lay in the moss for hours, cloud gaze for hours.  

I want to sleep in a tent in the middle of the forest by a creek and listen to the woodland things lullaby me to sleep.  I want to wake up and dip my feet in frigid ice water before making breakfast and tea over a campfire.  I want my clothes to air dry on a clothesline between pines.  I want to sip iced tea outside sitting on asphalt, smelling summer and cigarettes.  I want to run around and go everywhere and nowhere.  I want to lay on the tonneau of my car soaking in heat and rays.  

I wish I was seventeen again, except how I am now.  I wish I was so carefree.  I wish I wasn't so lonely and so sad all the time.  I just want to go home to Alaska after graduation where I could have a warm home and friends (fam) around all the time.  People who love me and understand me.  Healthy meals all the time.  Someone to talk to.

But I have to go out.  I have to make it on my own.  I have to be independent and start my own life.

This is the lamest post of all time.  Disregard.